The joy of self-partnering and how it saved me

My friend, Sarah, looked at me, terrified. ‘It’s my birthday next week’, she said. 

‘Why do you look so scared?’ I asked. 

‘I’m going to be thirty.’

I was twenty-eight at the time. I’ll be honest - I didn’t get what all the fuss was about. 

My friend was clearly having an existential crisis – and I really felt for her. But this type of crisis seemed so foreign to me - it was like a concept I just couldn’t grasp. 

Because thirty still seemed... Sooo. Far. Away. 

I thought to myself, “Isn’t that just the media that’s conditioned us to believe that any age over 30 is ‘old’? 

Surely it’s just a narrative that’s been created to make us insecure – and if so, can’t we deconstruct it for what it really is, so it can’t hurt us?”

And then it started happening.

I started getting ‘the prompts’.

You know...the questions. The comments. The little references here and there.

Those seemingly innocuous things that, now as I hear them a year later, suddenly seem more real. That suddenly mean something, now that my thirtieth birthday is just months away.

The ‘Come on, Selina, let’s go out!! Anna’s just had a baby. And Liz and Matt are all coupled up now and we haven’t seen them in weeks...’ 

Or the Clear Blue ads on YouTube that love to hyper-target me just as I’m winding down to a bit of Yoga with Adrienne in the evening.

Or even those Facebook ‘Throwback’ photos that say ‘did you know, xx happened 10 years ago?’ - which suddenly leave you feeling ancient (damn you, Facebook!).  

Last month, I even came across a Facebook post that said the first ever episode of Big Brother had been aired on that day – a whole 20 years ago.

NOOOO.

Then I suddenly got how my friend felt.

Nowadays, there is a part of me that sometimes worries what will happen when my body clock starts to tick – and who my life partner will be - and how I will meet them.

But the truth is, we need to normalise our fear of the future. Because it’s something that makes us very human. 

We’re not alone in feeling this way - and it’s something that we should be open to talking about – and not feel at all embarrassed about.

We deserve to come out of the shame that sticks to us when we pressure ourselves into looking like we have it all together – that shame that silences us when we worry about ageing, or finding the right partner.

I brought up the thoughts I was having with a close friend. She always has a helpful nugget of wisdom to share.

“Selina,” she said, “if you have faith in yourself that you’ll meet the right person at the right time for you - and you don’t settle, then you have nothing to worry about. 

You’re free to go about your own life now, ticking off your own goals. Stay true to your own values – and eventually you will attract someone who’s also aligned with your values - and a great fit.”

She was right.

Up until about a year ago, I had been in a few relationships throughout my twenties, with periods of being single – but one thing that I definitely kept coming back to were the highs of being in love, or the excitement you get when you really start to like someone. 

The affection. The camaraderie. The close bond. So much so that when I was single, there was this low-sounding hum that reverberated in the back of my head every now and then, reminding me that something felt like it was missing.

Like it could be so much better with someone else there.

Having had that feeling rear its head throughout my life, it wasn’t until I realised that this craving for the ‘drug’ that was love meant that I wasn’t whole and satisfied in myself.

I was a half looking for my other half. When I should’ve been a whole. Happy in myself and championing my own goals (then potentially encountering another whole one day, while happily getting on with my own life).

Emma Watson said it best when she described ‘self-partnering’ as the ability to not feel compelled to seek fulfilment through having another person as a partner.

Because for me, up until then, having a boyfriend was a great way to feel validation, love, excitement and some sort of transcendence – and I loved being intertwined with their world. 

The reality is, I should have been the one validating myself. Filling my own self up. Feeling enough by myself.

And if I’m honest, one of the most effective ways I started developing this mindset was to practise saying ‘no’. 

Taking myself away from the dates, the flirting, the texting, the apps – all of it.

At the time, I was determined to get to know myself more and learn to love myself before I dedicated myself to someone else.

The best thing I’ve experienced from taking a year out – and only now just downloading Bumble again recently, is that over time – the more I said no, the more I turned inwardly and not outwardly for that sense of love and worthiness.

It was like coming off a drug – and going cold turkey really allowed me to take a step back and go within.

And now – yes, I still get those thoughts every now and then coming back to me that ponder the future, but it’s different now. 

Now I feel that the joy of self-partnering is focusing on yourself – which is an end in itself. That when you concentrate on your own goals, aspirations and values – you cease to need anyone else to complete you. 

And then, if someone eventually does come along – wonderful. If they don’t, that’s perfectly fine too. 

You’ll be too busy having fun driving in your own lane. 

So, let’s get really honest on the practicalities here.

If you do decide to take a break from dating to rediscover yourself, that’s great!

But I won’t lie. It can be lonely at first.

After all, it’s nice to feel wanted, isn’t it? To feel that absolute joy sing in your heart when the man you like likes you back. To feel that excitement when you’re getting dressed up and ready to go on a date - and you already know that you have that great chemistry when you’re with each other.

Yes, it can feel addictive.

But no, there’s nothing wrong with you if you sometimes feel empty without the attention of a significant other. 

Here are two things that truly helped me thrive through this phase:

1. Surround yourself with friends 

I can’t recommend this one enough.

With all this extra time on the weekends, now is the perfect opportunity to spend more time with your friends. 

Whether you’ve always wanted to go on a weekend away together, or to check out a particular restaurant in town - now is the time to connect with the people who appreciate you for who you are. 

There’s something to be said about being yourself - with all your quirks, unique  beliefs about the world and in all your glory, being so authentically YOU - and connecting with your friends as the person you really are.

Your confidence goes up massively.

What also helps a lot is working out what kind of interactions make you feel most connected with your friends. 

For me, it’s a mixture of one-on-one deep and meaningful conversations about life, thrown in with group activities doing fun things together, like karaoke, mini golf or going to improvised comedy club (we’re all into performing, so there’s never a dull moment!).

2. Assess your core values 

Living a life of purpose starts by consciously focusing on the things that are most important to you; even though sometimes it feels much more comfortable - and less scary - to go with the flow, seeing where life takes us.

I invite you to think about what your core values are - and how you can focus your hobbies, work and home life around those.

For example, I discovered recently that self-expression and connection are two of my most important values, so I have started to write spoken word poetry, I attend dance classes every week and when I can, I sit in coffee shops to work. I also make an effort to call my friends back in the UK as much as possible to catch up on their lives and have a proper heart-to-heart, which makes me feel restored again.

If you want to find out more about what your core values are, here is a fabulous resource recommended by clinical psychology registrar, Charlotte Handford who we have recently teamed up with in our EmpowerHer webinar sessions.

When you have worked these out and choose to spend more time in your day living true to your values, then you start to feel that you can take on the world, without the need for a partner by your side to validate you. 

And that’s when you know that you’re absolutely remarkable as you are!

Redirecting my focus and spending time on these things has helped to rewire my neural pathways and my goodness, has it transformed my life.